I knew it wasn't so

Well, tested this morning. I knew the answer before I even looked at the results. Negative. Will I ever again believe I can get a positive? Does this negative test make for a negative attitude with other things? It used to. The first time when we were trying to get pregnant, I had such high hopes with each test I took. I would get so excited, thinking of names and planning for the future, and with each negative result my little dream world would come crashing down. To go through such turbulence really started to take a toll on other things in my life. I just found myself to start to shut down. I put on a good front when I needed to, like at work or out with friends, but at home I was miserable.

This time, I declared I wasn't going to be like that. It isn't good for me, it isn't good for my husband, and it's not good for my son. I have come to the realization that no matter what I do - perfect timing, acupuncture, IUI - I cannot make the positive appear. It's out of my hands. Besides keeping myself healthy, I have no control over getting pregnant. Last time, I adopted a motto, "It will happen". And, I am going by that motto this time around, too. Sure, there have been times when I have let the negative get to me. But, I didn't let it consume me. I thought about it, grieved for what could have been, and then threw the thought away.

Today, when I confirmed my answer that I was not pregnant. I told myself, "well, we sure gave it one hell of a try this month". And, we did. And, it was fun. And, IT WILL HAPPEN. I do believe one day after I take that test, I will see a positive.