I just want to push

So, I haven't posted on here in say......oh 6 months or so? But, I just needed a little place to vent. I posted on my other blog (where we do updates for family and friends about our lives) about how I want this baby out. But, I really didn't go in depth as to the reason why. Yes, I am 9 months plus pregnant and miserable. Yes, I have a horrific head cold that makes sleeping next to impossible. Yes, my mood swings are horrendous and I am hoping that once I have the baby they will be a teensy bit better. But, the real reason I want this baby out is the looming date of October 8th.

October 8th is when I will have to have a repeat c-section if the baby does not come on its own. And, I desperately DESPERATELY do not want a repeat c-section. Most people I talk to, don't get why. They say, "But, then you won't have to go through labor." Hello!!!! A c-section is a MAJOR surgery. It's not a cakewalk. And, no, I won't go through labor, and I won't be as tired as going through labor for 36 hours like I did with Ben, only to have to have a c-section, and then wind up exhausted, emotional, and an added bonus of complications with nursing. Were the nursing complications and the c-section related? I don't know for sure, but it sure didn't help my emotions any.

All I want is to feel the sensation of pushing. That's it. Just one little push. I want to feel the pain that is associated with the joy of giving birth. And, not the pain of a pulling incision. I want to feel the pain of birthing my baby the way my body is supposed to. Even if all I get to do is one push, I think I would be satisfied. Even if I were to have a c-section after that one push. Just one push. Someone today asked me why that's so important. And, I couldn't answer her. I just said, "Because I want to feel what it feels like".

Maybe I want to so bad because it would be redemption for Ben's birth. Getting dilated all the way to 9 and not being able to push because his little head was posterior presentation and my OB/GYN didn't even try to rotate him. Or, the fact that I didn't envision having to have help getting pregnant with Ben - I just thought it would happen. Or, the fact that I soooo wanted to have a natural med-free birth and ended up caving under the allure of the medical staff that pitocin and epidurals were fantastic ideas. Or, the fact that I pictured myself nursing this beautiful baby while he was looking at me with little hints of love in his eyes, only to turn out the exact opposite that when he nursed, he was screaming and I was crying.

So, maybe I just want to push - just once, to put all that negative energy in the past. Is pushing guaranteed to? No, and I know that. But, at least I would be able to say I tried.