Jinxing

I haven't written in awhile. Sometimes, I feel like if I do, I am admitting the pregnancy is real and admitting it somehow makes me feel like I will inadvertently jinx it. Sounds weird, right? But, these are the thoughts I have...most likely brought on by our struggles with infertility.

This pregnancy has been relatively easy. No spotting, limited cramping, really nothing to complain about. I did have more morning sickness, am having trouble sleeping at night because my sinuses are so messed up, and am exhausted most days - but, these aren't complaints. These are real life proof that we did it - that there is a little someone growing inside of me after a tumultous year and a half of trying. My protuding belly is a sign that this indeed is not an ectopic pregnancy. Some women hate being pregnant. HATE IT. Not me. I absolutely, positively, downright LOVE IT. Maybe it's all that we have been through, or maybe I am just not a complainer (although, that's totally not true, because I sure as hell complain about a lot of other miniscule crap in my life). But, I love being pregnant. Even though I have all these signs, all this proof that I am pregnant, it still doesn't feel real.

Last time I was pregnant, I knew down to the day, to the hour, maybe even to the minute how far along I was. This time, not so much. But, again, I think it's because it still really hasn't set in that this baby is happening. It's a bit of a disconnectedness feeling, really. Not disconnected from the baby, just from the pregnancy a bit. I am not as focused on it as I was with our son. Maybe I just can't be, because I am chasing around two toddlers all day. Or, maybe I am not, just because I again, don't want to jinx it.

Our big ultrasound is coming up this weekend. I am excited, but super nervous. Each time we have gone in for a heartbeat check with the doppler, we had to get an ultrasound. The midwives couldn't find it. It could be seen beating away on the ultrasound, we just couldn't really hear it. So, that makes me nervous. I think once this ultrasound comes and everything checks out okay - I won't have this disconnectedness feeling. I think my thoughts of the whole jinxing will be over...and, I will be able to go on and love the fact (without hesitation) that I can't sleep at night, my belly is getting so big I can't bend over comfortably, and I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes with that vomit taste in my mouth after eating my favorite meal from my favorite taqueria. And, I mean it. I will love all of that and everything else that comes with pregnancy.